And this is a process…

“People talk about creation as a remote fact of history, as if it were something that was attended to a long time ago, and finished at the time. But creation was not an act; it is a process; and it is going on today as much as it ever was. Nature is not in a hurry.” – John Muir

There are parts of this prompt I don’t want to touch, and yet this is the first prompt since I joined that has really struck me, and it did so gently.

I’ve talked a lot about Before and After and During… the During… how there is (or is not?) a specific moment in time that separates the Before and After, but an infinite amount of time that exists separating the two.

“Maybe just that the creation of the world – and its destruction – is not a one time event, begun and finished and over with. It’s a process. It’s going on now, it went on yesterday, it will happen again. Over and over and over, the process of destruction, creation, worlds ending, worlds beginning. It’s going on today as much as it ever was, or ever will.” – Megan Devine

But what this prompt made me think of the most is healing. This healing process that I am in. It is a process. There isn’t one act that will “fix” things. There isn’t one thing I can do to make things better, or different or over. It is all just a process.

I am doing this challenge right now and the way that we try to encourage other people is by commenting “progress, not perfection” when they are down on themselves for having a bad day on the challenge, or whatever the case may be. And I cringe every time I read it, and every time I am tempted to comment that on people’s posts… because… platitude, cliche, etc. A statement that doesn’t help anyone.

And yet… a statement that is so true.

This isn’t about being done, it is about progressing through.

I’ve been struggling this week with… life. I’ve suddenly gotten busy – I’m always busy but this is a different kind of busy. A good kind of busy. A tribe-and-friends-and-hugs-and-yoga-and-falling-into-bed exhausted-with-a-smile-at-the-end-of-each-day busy. A this-seems-so-good-and-like-it-has-so-much-potential-to-become-my-new-normal busy.

And that is progress. And progress is scary. And I feel forced to choose between two worlds… the one I’ve lived in by myself for so long and the one out there in the world where I don’t have to be alone anymore.

And I worry. I am a worrier, but I worry specifically here… what does that look like? How can I leave behind what I have to go try for something else that is different? How do I risk being destroyed again. Destroyed again. Rebuilding again. Progress again. Process again.

“We’re supposed to feel. We’re supposed to love. And hate. And hurt. And grieve. And break. And… be destroyed. And… rebuild ourselves and be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s… that’s being alive. That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t… don’t avoid it. Don’t… extinguish it.”

I have to. I have to feel and love and hate and hurt and grieve and break and be destroyed. I have to rebuild myself only to be destroyed again.

I have to learn. I have to grow. This is a process.

But progress and process mean change. And I hate change. It terrifies me.

And I don’t know what any of this looks like. I don’t know who is included in this new “busy”… I don’t know who steps beside me and who I leave behind.

Really, I don’t know anything.

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